So tired.
I am out of it. My arms, stomach and wrists are bruised and scratched. Partially from last night when I couldn’t sleep and partially what I did under the desk in my classes when no one was looking. Last night, I beat my knuckles so hard against my temple and cheek, I saw stars and my head throbbed for some time. I smashed my wrist with my knuckles too. At school I hit my knuckles together until they almost bled. I stared into space during chemistry, I don’t remember anything but I have a quiz tommorow… on what?
I read other entries, and realize that these wounds I’m producing are superficial and pathetic compared to others. This is either good or bad. I could be getting better, making softer injuries. Or I could be seeking attention. I don’t want attention though… although maybe some part of me is subconciously striving for attention. I don’t know. My bruises are faint, but I can see them.
One of my friends since childhood, I’ve known her since she was about 3 when I was about 5, has been extremely sick. Her older sister says that all the life in her has been sucked dry. She was in the hospital yesterday, she hadn’t eaten in 2 days and was extremely dehydrated. I visited her and felt selfish. If I had ever gone to the hospital for self inflicted wounds, I would be taking away from supplies for more deserving patients. Sure, self-injurers deserve to be treated like every other patient, but not me. I don’t deserve that treatment…
You should never compare yourself against others. It’s not how bad the wounds are, it’s the fact that they are there. Our problems are deeper than anything that could ever show on our bodies.
You deserve the treatment just as much as anyone else, seriously. You don’t want to be this way. You didn’t sit down one day and think “i’m going to self injure”. No, you couldn’t help it so don’t ever feel as if you don’t deserve equal care as everyone else.
Take care,
Keeley